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Cracked Carols
Rusty the Towman, Your Signature Here, Leonard the Chicken Trucker? All with our standard guarantee: These will be stuck in your head until New Year's

By Bill Hudgins, columnist

It stunned me when Managing Editor Sandi Soendker reminded me my annual installment of "Cracked Carols" was due in early October. Here in Tennessee, it was still shorts and flip-flops weather, just cool enough at night to make high school football enjoyable. Although Wal-mart had started putting out a few Christmas things, nobody had eggnog. How can you have Christmas spirit without nog?

Well, thanks to the Internet and a large collection of Christmas tunes, and a barn where I could sing to my heart's content, I delivered the goods. So without further ado, here is this year's cracked carols. Try some eggnog first; it'll help.

Rusty the Towman
(to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Rusty the towman
Was a mercenary jerk,
With a massive crane be it snow or rain
charging double for his work.

Rusty the towman
Worked the weekends and the nights;
If you got stuck you were out of luck
He'd have you in his sights.

He'd come on down far out of town
In an hour … maybe two;
And once he had his hooks in you
There was nothing you could do.

Oh, Rusty the towman
Got rewarded yesterday,
He went too far, towed the sheriff's car
And the law hauled him away.


Leonard the Chicken Trucker
(to the tune of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Leonard the chicken trucker
Had a very shiny ride
With 400 running lights,
And neon that spelled "Go Tide!"

All of the big slab truckers
Used to laugh at his display,
They thought he was a showoff
Saying "Those lights will never pay!"

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
They could hardly see,
Leonard told the convoy, "Boys,
"C'mon and follow me!"

Then how the drivers loved him
And his brightly colored show
They all got there as scheduled
And Leonard was their big hero.


Crowded Highways
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Crowded highways, busy highways,
I am all out of hours
But I'm only a few miles from home.

Christmas Eve night
Roads are a fright
And it's starting to snow …
And on each radio station you hear:

Traffic jams, (traffic jams), traffic jams,
(traffic jams)
It's rush hour time in the city.
Beep beep honk, crash, bang, bonk
I shoulda come Christmas Day

Tons of brake lights
And some cop lights
Brighten the highway scene
As I try to get through Christmas traffic.

Saw the cars crunch
In a big rush
This is a tower's big day
And on each radio station you hear:

Traffic jams, (traffic jams), traffic jams
(traffic jams)
It's rush hour time in the city,
Beep beep honk, crash, bang, bonk,
I shoulda come Christmas Day.


Your Signature Here
(To the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy")

Come they told me (your signature here)
A leased big rig for me (your signature here)
I'll buy it as I go (your signature here)
Be done before I know (your signature here,
signature here, signature here)
What's the fine print say (your signature here)
… It isn't clear.

Owner trucker (your signature here)
That is your gig for now (your signature here)
Just give it all you got (your signature here)
Because we take a lot! (your signature here,
signature here, signature here)
Shall I drive for you? (your signature here)
… I felt fear.

So, I said whoa there (your signature here),
To OOIDA I'll go (your signature here)
It's a bad deal, they said (no signature here)
Walk away while you still can (no signature here,
signature here, signature here)
OOIDA protected me (no signature here),
kept me free.


And finally, a Christmas wish to all of you from all of us at OOIDA:
(To the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

We give thanks for truckers at Christmas,
They brought all the things we now enjoy,
From trees to the fruitcake,
To the turkey mama baked,
From Labor Day up to right now they hardly
took a break.

So we give thanks for truckers at Christmas,
Without you where would this great nation be?
You spend your life on the highway,
From our hearts we truly say,
We give thanks for truckers at Christmastime!

Until next time, be safe, make money and get home often.LL