Line One

By Bill Hudgins, columnist

It was a mild Saturday afternoon in May when my friend and ace gearjammer Rufus Sideswipe dropped by for a visit. As often happens, we got to talking about the road – or at least, Rufus talked and I listened.

Rufus has been out a long time and has seen most everything imaginable on the road, and some things you wouldn’t think anyone could imagine. After a while, he started ticking off some of the things that have ticked him off:

“Have you ever noticed that most of the people who speed in a school zone are the parents?”

“Why is it that Jake Brakes are illegal in a lot of towns, but those boom boxes on wheels aren’t?”

“I think the roads are getting meaner. I heard of one place that replaced its ‘Slower Traffic Keep Right’ signs with ones that said, ‘Slower Traffic Run for Your Life.’”

“I don’t understand why women think that putting on makeup at 65 mph makes them look better than they would have if they’d put it on in the bathroom at home. And I can’t imagine how they can put on toenail polish and drive at the same time.”

Rufus says it’s not just women. Guys shaving behind the wheel are likely to have a different kind of close shave.

“I get really worried when I see someone putting in their contact lenses while they’re driving. I mean, shouldn’t they have done that before playing in traffic?”

“I used to wonder if using two cellphones at once meant you were talking out of both sides of your mouth. Now I understand why … you need one for texting. And for checking your Facebook page or Twaddle or Twitter or whatever it is.”

“I know a lot of people don’t make their kids buckle up or stay in the child seat because the kids cry and complain. But the laws of physics don’t care about that.”

“Over the years I finally decided there are fewer women wearing short skirts in four-wheelers than you’d believe from listening to the CB. The same applies to driving topless, bottomless or both – though it does happen! I’ve seen it. And speaking from my own personal experience, wearing clothing while driving should not be optional for most people.”

“I would love to tell rookie drivers that their brand-new CDL isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. So don’t tell me how professional a driver you are now; instead, let’s meet here a year from now and you show me how much you’ve learned.”

“I wish trucks had some kind of lighted sign that could show messages. I’d love one that said something like, ‘That’s a very nice finger – now put it back on the wheel where it belongs and look where you’re going.’ Or maybe ‘If you wanna tailgate me, here’s a paintbrush so you can touch up the dents the last guy made.’”

“I don’t know how a lot of shippers stay in business since they are so bad at arithmetic. I mean, they give you a load due to deliver in 18 hours, but say you have to call 24 hours ahead of time to make the delivery appointment.”

“Speaking of bad at math … if a load is for just-in-time delivery, why do they make you wait four hours to unload it?”

“The new trend at zoos is to not put animals in cages. Too bad some shippers and receivers don’t treat drivers that good.”

“A lot of non-professional drivers call us truckers every name in the book. We don’t need to help them by calling each other those names, too.”

Until next time, be safe, make money and get home often. LL